I am not a team player. Never have been. Not in any of my memories do I recall a time where "joining in" was something I looked forward to. I didn't want to be in the choir, I wanted to be a soloist. March in line? No thanks, I'll skip. Wear the same thing as everyone else? Oh the horror, though my love of uniforms grew over the years, mostly because I love plaid and I always had the thought that schools with uniforms were elite and everyone there was smart and wonderful.
But for me I do believe the last time I was into anything considered popular even in a counter culture sense, was my "ring belt" and Herman Survivors that I absolutely HAD to have back in 7th grade. Looking like a burn out was where I was at and the club of skids is the only club I really ever think I attempted to join.
Even as a child in elementary school, I never considered that going with the flow was a good thing to do. I didn't have any intentions behind it, I didn't really think about it that much. I just did my own thing, not a care in the world until...
Example 1. At the age of 4 I attended 'Singer Learning Center' and decided that I wanted to wear my pyjamas to school (foreshadowing I suppose). They were soft and fuzzy and had large buttons. I wore just the shirt and I think some regular pants. But the kids knew right away this was a pyjama top. Sesame Street I believe and in no short amount of time I was being picked on for wearing it. I didn't really give a fuck though, cause I was 4 and all I cared about was that I was still in my flannel PJ's, and those assholes had been stuffed into some Garanimals.
This "individualism" wasn't really intentional. I didn't set out to say.."I am going to be different!" I just...was. I didn't really think about it, I just gravitated to it. This also included my thinking.
I might have said the pledge of allegiance at some point in my elementary school career, but I do recall thinking.."why am I doing this?" at a very young age and abandoning it in middle school.
I recall asking "why?" too often for the liking of adults and answering "Why not." when they would question me about my so called erratic and "different" behaviors.
Around this time is when I began getting hauled into the principals office. Now, mind you nothing I was doing was disturbing anyone, I wasn't lighting fires or killing kittens with my bare hands. No, I just wanted my sixth grade photo to include my "Animal" muppet and I had a Grover puppet for much longer then any kid probably kept.
I didn't have any particular talents, say playing the piano or drawing well, that many anti social kids can get some free pass time out of "Oh yes she's odd but look at her draw, she's an artist" etc... I just didn't fit in and that was A-OK by me.
Until middle school. Not fitting in and not being homogenized is a serious red flag for social workers whose job it is to label you and all the things that are wrong with you. Depressed, anti social, ADHD, and on and on and now, your "differences" are really being examined by the adults in your life as "defects." Who is the brilliant genius that made different equal bad? OH fuck, yeah Mother Nature.
How's that white elephant doing or that fucked up flower? Yeh...even Mother Nature's little fun experiments have dire consequences. Maybe we're hard wired to run from the different. That poor white faced deer's mom even told it to go fuck off.
Alas, those creatures didn't have a choice. Some humans do not either. Born with no legs? You are a fucking freak. Born with 6 colors on your face, good luck with that. I mean for fuck's sake, when did the term "four eyes" come about for people who simply need glasses to see better? Who is the top notch mother fucker who decided what "Normal" was because I'd like to meet him and beat his ass. What if...these external differences are the same in our souls. Yes, yes I have all of my arms and legs but, something in my SOUL is different than yours. Maybe they need glasses on their souls, because now, I need crutches for my heart.
I should point out that most synonyms for "different" have negative connotations, while the term "exotic" feels much nicer doesn't it?
Unique is also much kinder- you can google it.
Which brings me to Mental, or Eccentric.
Patient 1. Not harming anyone, reads loads of books, likes to be alone. Loves trees and leaves and collects stamps. Volunteers at a pet shelter. Wears suits and bowling shoes. Haircut is 40 years out of date. Occasionally wears stripes with plaid. Refuses to drive a car. Carries an oatmeal container around full of crayons and paper. Leaves notes for strangers with little smiles on them on park benches and seats on the bus.
Now, read that again. Carefully. Picture the person. Go on, what do they look like?
What if I told you that this person was a male? A very rich male? What if I told you he was 18. 48. 88. What form of the word different would you use to describe him? What if he was poor? Heavy? Thin?
Now, read it again. What if it was a woman. A very wealthy woman.
What if she were 18?
48?
88?
What form of the word would you use? What if she were poor? What if she were heavy? What if she was thin?
What if this was me?
Now, go back to the beginning, the very top of the page, and read this whole thing again, except, pretend you don't know who I am. Pretend I am some rich white dude living in a big house on a hill and this bullshit was in the New Yorker.
I have to add that this inclination also drove me to love the different. I find beauty in the odd unique and all of the other adjectives assigned to misfits.
Now, go back to the beginning, the very top of the page, and read this whole thing again, except, pretend you don't know who I am. Pretend I am some rich white dude living in a big house on a hill and this bullshit was in the New Yorker.
I have to add that this inclination also drove me to love the different. I find beauty in the odd unique and all of the other adjectives assigned to misfits.
